Bad Dad Jokes

200+ Bad, Stupid, Corny Dad Jokes I’ve always been drawn to what’s lovingly referred to as “Dad Jokes” or “Dad Humor.” These corny dad jokes and puns might make everyone else roll their eyes, but I’m convinced that’s the whole point. Let’s face it, if it makes your kids roll their eyes in unison, you’ve got a classic on your hands. Personally, I love being goofy for my children—even if they pretend they’re embarrassed by it. So, I have made a list of the 'best' worst dad jokes, and stupid, dumb dad jokes, I have ever heard. I will start out with this classic: "When does a joke become a dad joke?" Well, during the delivery it becomes apparent. (😄 get it?) Alternatively: "When does a joke become a dad joke?" When its fully groan! 😂 Now that I’m a parent myself, I’ve taken it upon myself to keep the bad dad joke tradition alive. That means I sometimes bust out jokes that rely on puns—jokes that might sail over the heads of smaller kids, but, hey, the best comedy can be a slow burn. One of my personal favorites is: “I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.” Unless your 8-year-old’s been to rehab, they probably won’t appreciate that one, but the important part is that you deliver it like it’s the funniest joke ever told. Believe me, your kids will notice your confidence. Sure, they’ll roll their eyes, but they’ll also see you having fun, and that’s the bigger lesson. Really Bad Dad Jokes. Sometimes a well-placed bit of pure silliness does the trick. These are some truly terrible bad dad jokes (in my opinion), that are stupid, but that may just make you smile anyway: “I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.” (And that’s what it’s all about!). “When’s the best time to make a dentist appointment?” “Tooth-hurtie.” ”Why do fathers bring an extra pair of socks before they go golfing?” “Just in case they get a hole in one.” “What do you call a fish with no eyes?” “A F-s-h.” "My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well." What goes down but doesn't come up? A yo. What's green and fuzzy, has four legs and would kill you if it fell from a tree? A pool table “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.” “What do you call someone with no body and no nose?” Nobody knows.” ”What did the ocean say to the beach?” “Nothing, it just waved.” “How do you make a tissue dance?” “You put a little boogie in it.” “Why did the chicken cross the road?” “To get to the other side.” ” What do you call a cow with no feet?” “Ground Beef.” Kid: “I’ll call you later.” Me: “Please, call me Dad.” Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well. What's red and brown and bad for your teeth? A brick. Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays. How did the hacker escape the FBI? He ransomware. “My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it’s also terrible.” “What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.” Where do you find a tortoise with no legs? Exactly where you left it. Kid: “Dad, Can you put my shoes on?” Me: “I can try, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.” “Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local school. Don’t worry, everything’s okay now, he woke up.” “I just watched a program about beavers, and you know what, it was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.” Kid: “Dad, Make me a sandwich!” Me: “Poof! You’re a sandwich.” “I’m reading a book on the history of glue and I just can’t seem to put it down.” Kid: Daaaaaad! I'm hungry! Me: Hi hungry, i'm Dad. I would tell you the joke about the broken pencil.. but it’s pointless. Why don't vampires have any friends? Because they're a pain in the neck. My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see myself doing that. Kid: “Did you get a haircut?” Me: “No, I got them all cut.” If I can rope my children into the fun, even better. If they know a stupid dad joke is incoming, then the anticipation, reaction and inevitable groan, is half the fun :) Stupid Bad Dad Knock Knock Jokes. Nothing, however, beats the traditional knock knock joke format. My kids and I made one up, and while it might’ve existed before, we’d never heard it, so we claimed it: Dad: “Knock knock.” Kid: “Who’s there?” Dad: “Ach.” Kid: “Ach who?” Dad: “Gesundheit!” We were so proud, we tried a few more: Dad: “Knock knock.” Kid: “Who’s there?” Dad: “I’m up.” Kid: “I’m up who?” Dad: “Ha! You said ‘I’m a poo!’” Knock Knock. Who’s there? Car go. Car go who? Nah mate, Owl go who, Car go Beep Beep. Dad: “Knock knock.” Kid: “Who’s there?” Dad: “Toot.” Kid: “Toot who?” Dad: “What are you, a ballerina?” Kid: “Knock knock.” Dad: “Who’s there?” Kid: “Chooch.” Dad: “Chooch who?” Kid: “Did you hear a train?” Dumb, Terrible Dad Jokes. For everyday zingers, I never run out of material. Some of my go-to dumb dad jokes: How do you know when your clock is still hungry? It goes back four seconds. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. "and what's a pig with three eyes?.. a Piiig" And then I follow that with “what do you call a deer with no eyes?” “No eye deer.” Did you know? Making a belt out of watches is a waist of time. “What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!” Anytime we’re driving and I see a bunch of cows I always say: Look a flock of cows! One of the kids says: herd of cows, dad. Me: Of course I’ve heard of them, there’s a flock of them right over there! “What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where’s Pop Corn?” I also like to suddenly loudly yell Hey!! When I see a ale of hay or a hay truck on a road trip. Gets giggle-groans from the kids every time. “What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on a head.” “you guys want to hear a joke about pizza?” Nevermind… it’s too cheesy. “Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.” “Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts.” “I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.” “Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.” “I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!” As I handed my dad his fiftieth birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said… “You know, one would have been enough! Sometimes, just to mix it up, I’ll use a deadpan stare, like this favorite: “What’s brown and sticky? A stick.” Then I just stare at my kids until they laugh or leave. I also love the good old classic: “Why couldn’t the little boy go see the pirate movie? Because it was rated ‘Arrrgh!’” “Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees? It’s because they’re so good at it.” “Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.” “I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.” “What has five toes and isn’t your foot? My foot.” “What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue.” “In 2017 I didn’t do a marathon. I didn’t do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.” “My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don’t believe him, but that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.” Terrible puns? Maybe. But watching your kids groan and laugh at the same time is a parenting treasure. And if all else fails, there’s one last time-honored strategy: hold your kids down and tickle them. Works every time. Cheesy, Corny Dad Jokes. Ok, so if the bad dad jokes above was not enough, I have added a bunch of cheese and corny bad jokes below, so you will never run out of terrible jokes. Pick your favorite and memorize it. Then tell it again and again, until your kids groan and run out of the room 😂. I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. I know it’s hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison. I wanted to be a doctor; I just didn't have the patients. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y. Why was the broom late? It overswept! A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some lip balm—and put it on my bill." My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down! What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing—it just let out a little wine. I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied, "No… it’s to look at." Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw." I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw! Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself? It was two tired. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates. Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines! How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? You rocket. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food here." What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises. When do we want them? Neeeooooooow! I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What’s that got to do with anything?" I said, "That means it’s pasture bedtime." What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf? An unawarewolf! Why was the woman unhappy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino. What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish. The day I turned 42, my daughter said, "Happy…" and started timing on her watch. After a silence, she said, "...forty-second birthday." I was so proud. I have submitted 10 jokes trying to reach the front page... no pun in ten did. My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting, “Be positive,” but it’s hard without him. When a dad drives past a cow pasture: “LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!” I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better and now conducting himself properly. You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it’s also terrible. Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to take steps to avoid them. Why don’t vampires have any friends? Because they’re a pain in the neck. Spring is here! I got so excited, I wet my plants! Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it’s tearable. My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see myself doing that. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint. Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents! You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet. What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? “Are you having a crisis?” How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it! What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milkshake! Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months. My dad once passed a cemetery and said, “Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? People are just dying to get in there!” A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much for a consultation?" "Three questions for $150." "Kinda steep, isn’t it?" "Yeah, now what's your last question?" I lost 25% of my roof last night... oof. How does NASA organize a party? They planet. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. For those of you that play Wordle, today’s solution was not easy. “Easy” is not five letters! Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans. I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless! What has two butts and kills people? An assassin! If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? A duck says to the cashier, “Got any grapes?” The cashier says no. The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?” Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose. Did you see a robbery at the Apple Store? Does that make you an iWitness? Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they'd be chicken sedans! What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea! I asked my dad for his best dad joke, and he said, “You.” Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He got that way from too much pi. What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent. Two slices of bread got married. The wedding was amazing—until someone decided to toast the bride and groom. Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had no body to go with. What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!” I decided to link all my wristwatches together and make a belt. It was a real waist of time. When’s a door not a door? When it’s ajar. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. Why is Yoda such a good gardener? He has green thumbs. I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English alphabet. I don’t know “y.” I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog. Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged. You’re American when you go into the bathroom and American when you come out, but what are you in there? European. What do you call a programmer with a cold? A hacker. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has great food but no atmosphere. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1. Why can’t a parent change a light bulb? Because they don’t make diapers small enough. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk! Why do vampires always seem sick? They’re coffin a lot. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging—they're going to go by “Fed-Up” now. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it. My new job at the mirror factory is something I can really see myself doing. Why was the scarecrow promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field. I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known—there were red flags everywhere. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe. What did the triangle say to the circle? “Your life has no point.” Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because 2020 and 2019 had a fight, and 2021. My friend asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like, “Well, dam.” I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged. Why do chicken coops have only two doors? Because if they had four, they'd be chicken sedans. My dad said, “You know what really burns my butt?” Then he held his hand at butt level and said, “A fire about this high.” I told my daughter I was named after Thomas Jefferson… because I was born after Thomas Jefferson. What do you call a magician who lost their magic? Ian. Why did the baby corn ask mama corn, “Where’s popcorn?” How do you get in touch with a Roman architect? You column. I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me. My wife found out I was cheating on her after discovering all the letters I was hiding… She said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising? What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador. By the end of this, you’ll be wearing socks with sandals and getting the grill ready—fair warning! Don’t be worried about your phone or TV collecting data. Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years. I saw a sign that said “END ROAD WORK,” and I thought, Wow, people protest anything these days. What did the wall say to the other wall? Meet you at the corner. I lost 25% of my roof. Oof. How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says, “Ribbit, ribbit,” and the other says, “Rub it, rub it.” How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He had no guts. A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck replies, “Got any grapes?” Why do vampires always seem sick? Because they’re coffin a lot. I saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity. My friend asked, “Hey, were you born in a hospital?” I said, “No, I was born in a taxi!” I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?” I said, “Where did that come from?” What do you call a werewolf that doesn’t know it’s a werewolf? An unawarewolf. How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: “No, I got them all cut!” Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete? She wanted to see the task manager. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. Guess I should have put it on aloha temperature. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. My wife found out I was cheating… apparently you shouldn’t hide letters in Scrabble. I broke my arm in two places. My doctor said, “Stop going to those places.” What do you call a new baby monkey? A chimp off the old block. Did you hear they made round bales of hay illegal in Wisconsin? The cows weren’t getting a square meal. What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na! Why did the crab never share? Because he’s shellfish. What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi! What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño face. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but got the sack for taking a couple of days off. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged. I sympathize with batteries—I’m never included in anything either. I have a pencil with two erasers. It’s pointless. What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents! Why did the skeleton stay home from the party? He had no body to go with. What does a vegetarian zombie eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!” I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.” How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it! I had a dream I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted! Did you hear about the guy who stole the vacuum cleaner? He’s doing 5 to 10 for pickpocketing. How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor. I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa. Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was out standing in his field. I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said “Wii.” I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day! Cashier: “Would you like the milk in a bag?” Dad: “No, just leave it in the carton!” Congratulations, if you made it through the list 😂 and also, my apologies 😂 I will stop now. I promise. But anyway, I will happily own my “Bad Dad Jokes.” Let me be corny, let me be ridiculous, let me deliver stupid punchlines with the unwavering confidence of someone who just invented comedy. If it lights up my kids’ faces, that’s all the reward I need. Let yourself look stupid and silly. It's fun. Bad dad jokes for the win!

Really Bad Dad Jokes: 200+ Dumb, Stupid, Corny, Terrible Bad Dad Jokes (That Will Make You Laugh)

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