The Worst Dad Jokes of All Time (Top 5 Best Jokes Ever).
Is it possible for a joke to be so bad that it is actually good? Yes, of course it is! I have compiled a little list of dad jokes that are so infuriatingly bad that they can’t help but make you smile.
Enjoy!
- My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
- How many tickles does it take to tickle a squid? TenTickles.
- What’s green and fuzzy, has four legs and would kill you if it fell from a tree?
A pool table. - Cigarettes are like squirrels: They’re perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.
- If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if that thing is a cat.
- What’s red and brown and bad for your teeth?
A brick. - What’s blue and even worse for your teeth?
A really fast brick. - What’s red and won’t fit in your pocket?
Mars. - What goes down but doesn’t come up? A yo.
- What’s green and invisible?
No pickles. - What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint. - What’s brown and sticky?
A stick. - What’s brown, sticky, and red?
It’s that bloody stick again! - Limbo champion walks into a bar…
He’s disqualified. - Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.
- Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well. - Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making head lines! - I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
- How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the fresh prints. - What’s ET short for?
— Extraterrestrial?
No, it’s because he has little legs. - A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t you START ANYTHING!!!”
- I told my wife I was going to build us a car out of spaghetti. She said I was crazy and to stop making stupid comments.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta. - What did the pirate get on his report card?
Seven Cs. - So ye know what be a pirate’s favorite letter?
Arr? Ye’d think it be R, but it really be the C! - It’s an easy mistake to make. After all, err is human, but to arr is pirate.
- A bird was sleeping very cozy in his nest at the top of a pine tree Suddenly, he heard a lot of noise and the whole tree started to shake. He looked down and saw there was a very fat and clumsy elephant climbing the tree. The bird said: “Hey! What are doing? Why are you making so much racket?” The elephant said: ” I just want to climb up there and eat some pears!” The bird said: “there are no pears here, you stupid elephant! this is a pine tree!!” The elephant said: “I know! I brought my own pears!” (Wow, this dad joke is infuriatingly bad)
- Do you know why, when geese fly together, one side is longer?
Because that side has more geese. - But on a serious note, do you know the real reason why geese fly south for the winter?
Because walking takes too long. - You can tell it’s an aspen tree by the way it is.
- What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller. - Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
- Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Blub blub blub blub.”
- Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They’re making head lines! (repeat)
- The horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” (I warned you, these jokes are the worst 🙂
- Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O. - Man 1: My dog has no nose!
Man 2: Really? How does he smell?
Man 1: Terrible! - Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms all fighting for an island. … In the end, only one squire remains and it just goes to show:
“The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.” - What did the buffalo say when his son went to college?
Bison. - What did the Indian kid say to his mother when he left for his first day of school?
Mumbai. - How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now. - Where do you go to weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow. - Tell someone you have a GREAT knock knock joke, but they have to start it. When they say, “Knock knock,” you answer, “Who’s there?” and watch them get stuck.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh. - What do you call a blind deer?
I have no ideer. - Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
It’s “to whom.” - Shout out to all the people who don’t know the opposite of in.
- HEADLINE: Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality.
- How do you make an egg roll?
You push it. - Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other: “Do you smell carrots?”
- What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs. - How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None. - Why did the golfer bring another pair of trousers to the course?
In case he got a hole in one. - Two guys with a monocle fighting makes a spectacle.
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Top 5 Best Jokes Ever? – Check Out these Bonus Jokes (Pretty Good Jokes, actually).
Ok, all great candidates for the worst jokes of all time. I did my best. But is bad the new good? Is there such a thing as a good joke, that all agree on? I’ve added the top 5 jokes ever, below, so you can regain faith in humanity. Well, they are my favorites, at least.
- I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
- Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the p is silent.
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
- A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Top 5 Best Jokes Ever – Bonus Jokes.
- A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells “WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I’M GONNA KILL ‘EM!” A man calmly stands up and says, “You ain’t got enough bullets, mate.”
- I know someone who talks like an owl.
(The last one is kind of cool, I think. Most people will not get it. Tell it in a group, then someone will ask ‘Who?”. Meaning, that person is the one who talks like an owl. Get it? 😂.
Do you know any other bad dad jokes, that I can add to the Worst Dad Jokes of All Time list? Then add them in the comment section.